Subject: Thanks so much!

Dear Ollie,

It worked like a charm. No pun intended! At last I’m free of that pesky online service and their stupid ads. It seemed no matter how many times I tried to unsubscribe they’d always find a way back in to my email and flood it with more offers for Russian brides or marital aids. If I had to look at one more notification of a vapid model with her g-stringed rear arched back at me I was going to scream! I followed your instructions to print their email, smear it with dung and burn it. Hallelujah! No more C.MoreButts! I trust you got your PayPal?

Yours, Cynthia

Subject: Glad to assist

Yes, I did, Cynthia. I have found that spell quite effective in the past. Let me know if I can be of further help to you.

Sincerely, Ollie

Subject: Help!

This is so embarrassing but I have nowhere else to turn. When I worked at the nursing home I often wondered how patients could be incontinent of bowel but not of urine. Now I know. When I have to go these days I mean I have to go! I’ve tried changing my diet but it made me constipated.

Maybe I’m just being a silly, old gal but I feel I’m still too young to be buying Depends. If you can’t tell me how to counter this awful predicament, please advise me who can.

Thanks in advance, Cynthia

Subject: Here ya go

This is the website of a friend of mine and she offers all manner of charms and spells of Wiccan healing. I checked into it and if you look under the category of Virgo you’ll find what you’re looking for. As you might know, Virgo rules the bowels.

Good luck! Ollie

Subject: Appreciation

Dear Ollie,

Your friend Eliza is a marvel and her online order book is wonderful! It has a lot of things I’ll be in need of. I’m glad the incontinence thing required me to perform it at night. Being as I have no privacy fence I can’t imagine what my neighbors would’ve thought of me naked in the dark, turning three times beneath the moon holding bitterweed and wearing my old wool cap. The dog next door was amused, though.

Speaking of naked in the night, I’m passing along something I was told and you might find it of use. If your tomatoes won’t ripen quickly enough, run bare butt between the vines at midnight. Here’s to hoping it works for you because it didn’t work for me but you ought to see my cucumbers!

Respectfully, Cynthia

Subject: LOL

Girl, you are a hoot!


Subject: My feet

Can you do anything with bunions? I can’t afford the Medicare deductible for surgery on my fixed income.

Bless You! Cynthia

Subject: I’ll give it a whirl

Send $50 to my PayPal and I’ll give you a spell to try. It may or may not work. My friend BlackWiz sent it to me and if it doesn’t do the trick I’ll give you half off your next order.


Subject: Guess I’ll live with it

My dear Ollie,


First off, I had quite a time locating a white oak tree to burn to get the ashes. Luckily, no one noticed me skulking and I had to hide from the fire department. It was two days before I could go get them. My feet show no improvement so here’s my next request. My neighbor bought the empty lot where the blackberries grow that I make my wine from. Never mind the fact I’ve been picking those berries for years, he mowed them down! I had a talk with him but he said he has plans to build a playhouse for his daughter where the patch used to be.

Question: do you know a decision-altering spell or a curse that would prevent the playhouse from being built? Something to cause a collapse every time he drives a nail or something like that?

Desperately yours, Cynthia

Subject: That’s a tough one

This might take a little time, so be patient. I don’t normally do curses but know some people that do. It might run into quite a bit of money, though, and I know you’re on a fixed income.


Subject: Never mind

Dear Ollie,

Thanks anyway but I found a nicer and far less dangerous method than the one I was going to try. About the time I’d woven a circle of the mown-down blackberry sticker vines and was scheming to get a few threads of his daughter’s clothing, it occurred to me to just take him a bottle of wine. He loved it! The dear man’s agreed to put the playhouse in the back yard where it belongs. All I have to do is give him half the wine the vines produce.


Love, Cynthia

P.S. Don’t forget you still owe me half off.

#deecaples, #debracaples, #uneasywriter

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