Remiss

That’s what I’ve been. I have it on good authority that I should be checking this every day, at least every other. Sorry. I’ve been busy.

Let me tell you what I’ve been busiest doing. Getting clean, again. It may not be very perspicacious of me to admit this, seeing as how this is for public consumption and my family might stumble upon it. I was supposed to have quit meth last August on my birthday. Such is the nature of addiction. This time I’ve been promised I’ll no longer have a job if I don’t and that’s as good a reason as any I’ve ever heard to put it down.

You might have gathered from reading any of my blogs that I’m inclined to let the devil take the hindmost. Let is all fly. To not give a damn what anyone thinks. If you can’t read this and say “Good for you!” then who needs ya? If I ever get rich and famous, then, by all means, don’t buy any of my books. That’ll teach me.

All that being said, I’m going to include excerpts of my drugged-out diary from time to time. If you can relate say “Amen!”

May 26, 2019

They say go with what you know.

How many times have I tried to quit meth? I don’t remember. Lots. And watched friends try? More than that. At least I’m blessed with a firmer base than some have. There’s a good family behind me. I already am acquainted with a “higher power”, a God I routinely let go of that has refused to let go of me. I’m still employed and still hanging onto my humble abode. That goes back to the training and love of my family. My parents taught me how to do that.

On the other side of the scale are these shaky hands that have to keep going back to retype my typos. I lost my temper and act a total bitch. When at my weakest I fall back on the first drug I fell into: alcohol. A six pack of Modelo and a half gallon of homemade wine are in the fridge. The wine is no mere 7 or 11 percent, either.

I didn’t drink very much on meth. The old man said, “You’re in danger of becoming a bad alcoholic. Stick your arm out.” I did, and, guess what? No more problem! It’s not his fault, though. I was already an intravenous user.

Those first two bumps were nothing like I’d thought they would be. I’d heard about the rush and thought “Huh?” Third time’s the charm, right? It hit me and inside I heard a voice say This is my god. I’ve been fighting that voice ever since.

4 thoughts on “Remiss

  1. For all the ways I have been unfortunate in my life, I have oft the need to admit how I have been fortunate. I was born in the middle of Puget Sound Washington, if you haven’t heard of it, don’t be surprised, it’s that weird little notch in the NE corner of our funny shaped country. Like most of the rest of podunk America it’s a bit of a wreck over the past few decades, really even back to when I was a child. There were frequent drug house busts in my neighborhood even when I was a kid 30 odd years ago, and the locals unofficially referred to it as Lake of the Hoods rather than Lake of the Woods.

    I’ve in the past couple years reconnected with my first childhood friend (practically a step sister really, it’s complicated.. very complicated… mother’s other woman complicated…) The thing’s she told me about what became of things out in those parts that I managed, in part my my complete social isolation, and in part by getting out, to stay out of. That here parents old place is a known meth house, and has been for years. That she in the decades we were separated has ODed and been declared dead (I think it was three times?) I won’t even go into the more unsavory details of a pressured marriage that sounds like something out of the middle east and not America.

    It’s always important I guess to remember how messed up humanity is when you peak just two inches under the surface, and to just try to be better, because it’s all we have, is trying to be better than yesterday, or last week, or the year before, and certainly better than the decades, and centuries before that.

    So while I (perhaps narrowly) avoided that, I am all to familiar beyond the chemical aspect of addiction, how easy it can be to fall into coping mechanisms that are hurting you in one way or another, to deal with the realities we face. The advice studies offer you is that community is the strongest counter agent to addiction, and that the very pattern of pushing people out for these problems is the very root of how deep these traps become. I wish you luck in your struggles.

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  2. Thank you, K. I’ve been clean now since May and I feel really good about it. Thank God I’ve seen people I knew were addicted on FB and they seem to have turned their lives around. I hope this cursed drug is on its way out of favor but all we can do is encourage those who’ve made their escape to keep the faith.

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